You've come to the conclusion that you don't have the money to support your level of alcohol consumption, and have decided to brew your own as a cheap alternative. The problem: you don't know where to start. Never fear, for here in five easy steps is the ultimate guide how to make your own homemade masterpiece.
1) Obtain some fruit. Fruit wines are easy to make using any non-citrus fruit; apples, plums, pears, pineapples and even carrots (yes, I know they're a vegetable - humour me) can be used to produce a drinkable brew. The golden rule is never, ever, under any circumstances buy your own fruit. Pick it yourself, convince someone else to buy it for you, or go on a night raid into your neighbourhood backyards and pinch the stuff, but never buy your own. It's the principal of the thing, dammit.
2) Take your fruit and cut it up into little pieces, liquefy it, crush it, mash it, or jump up and down on it, then place it all in a large container. Five or ten litre plastic food tubs are good, or, at a pinch, use a bathtub. The top of the container should have an airlock on it to let gasses out but not in; if you don't have a proper one (or have a container too big to fit one), glad-wrap stretched over the top (which requires quite a lot for the bathtub) works pretty well. Fill the rest of the container with water, spices, fruit juices, cordials, dead rats; whatever takes your fancy. Be creative, and try to leave as little air in the top as possible, even if this means adding everything in your cupboard. Also add brewing yeast and nutrient (usually sold together in convenient little packets) at this point.
3) Add lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sugar. To a certain extent, the amount of sugar is proportional to the alcohol content, so you're either going to end up with something really alcoholic, really sweet, or both. Any complaints?
4) The hard bit: waiting. Technically speaking, you should probably be periodically transferring your brew from one glass container with a bubbly thing on top to another, removing sediment as you go, but if you've been following the above instructions then at this point it probably won't matter much - especially if you used the bathtub.
5) Right, at this point your brew has been sitting in some container (or bathtub) in the corner of a room for a few months, occasionally making weird gurgling sounds. It's probably about time to bottle it (especially if other people in the household have started complaining). Save your empty beer or wine bottles, and you can buy new caps or plastic corks. Siphon (all poor uni students should know how to siphon) the brew into bottles, cap/cork, and store in a reasonably cool environment. The cooler the better, as this minimises the risk of explosions, always a chance with home brews, especially if it has been making rather a lot of weird gurgling sounds. Let your brew age sufficiently (four to six months is a good time, two minutes is a minimum). Drink, enjoy, visit the emergency department of hospital (and say hi).
Aldwin Seguin
(Stephen Hobson) is the Rapier Marshal and Member for Levitating Penguins for the College of Blessed Herman the Cripple. He has managed to receive a Golden Owl for his brewing, "just because I keep trying to give the stuff away".